good dog, bad dog

My frustration of the day is people who think we've learned all of this on our own. All of life, as if it's easy. As if just by living we've got the answers. As if there's aren't people and a guiding spirit that help us on our way. By thinking that life is easy (not that anyone thinks THEIR OWN life is easy) we create a polarism between people who know how to make "good" decisions that will "positively" effect their lives; and people who make "bad" decisions and are in a constant struggle.

Because the truth is, just because I make the "good" decisions, and my friend makes the "bad" decisions, we are no different. It's just so easy to group people into what many religious people call "saved and unsaved." In religion the focus is so much on what God did for us and that we are forgiven, that we forget we're sinners. Because I've accepted an amazing gift, does not make me better. I am the same, I struggle in the same way, whether I make good or bad decisions. I just have a few more reassurances than others.

I just can't keep doing this. I can't keep making my decisions based on what the general public world deems good or bad. For way way too long I've let what others deem right or wrong dictate what I do. That isn't fair to them or me.

And I know I may lose people. Probably on both sides of the line. Mainly because we're all so damn opinionated we can't take a step back. And I honestly believe I have been given a truth and it would be wrong for me to not live it.

I've just been really convicted of some things lately. Most of the things I was raised to look at as wrong, as much as I can see the mentality and the idea of promoting it as wrong; they're not wrong. It's like we've taken the things that are most obvious as wrong and only looked at those. And the things like judging or gossiping or being angry or indifferent or materialistic, that are harder to change, that take more work or we have more to benefit from it like materialism. We ignore all of those. I am so materialistic and so angry. And being both of those things has really led me to indifference. I rarely feel my heart jump, or like I'm full, or intense. And my anger would be rage if I wasn't so indifferent. I think I would prefer the rage. I might actually get something done. I might actually stand up and confront people. It wouldn't be compassionately like I would like, but at least I would be feeling something, and at least I wouldn't be walking around, "Yes Sir, No sir, anything you'd like sir."

And all these words don't mean anything if I don't put in the work. I don't even know how to start. But if I don't start, and work, and suffer and get mad over it all, then I am everyone else. And I can't be that. I can't be that and be ok.