Now that I've calmed down I feel much better. Not that I think I was in the wrong, but you gotta let things go I suppose.

So now I'm finishing up my "strong women" paper. I don't like it so far. It's hard to make it sound not cheesy or like a 5 year old wrote it. Oh well, I just need to get 9 pages and then look over it. Whew

anger

I don't feel angry a lot. I get irritated, perturbed, but very rarely downright outraged (well, unless we're talking about something huge like, world poverty or something). But today, I was really flippin' mad.

It's always those iffy situations that are the worst, where it's not against the rules, but not necessarily the best idea, but you go with it anyways. It's not that it's wrong, morally or otherwise.

I took Sokehs in to moms work so we could show the people in the office. So we took her upstairs, then I took her outside so that she could go the bathroom and when I went to go back in I was told by an older white male (I specify because I feel that it actually makes a difference) that I couldn't take her inside. I said I'd just had her inside and he said, "Not with all that food in there." So I walked away. I wanted to turn around and scream, and ya know what, I kinda think I should've. He thought I was going to take her into the kitchen, where all the packers eat on their lunch. This is where I get angry. If he knew I was T's daughter, he wouldn't have said a word, or if I was a relative of someone in the office, he wouldn't have said anything. But being a packer, means he automatically is above them and is allowed to be a complete prick to them and their children. This is what I can't handle.

No one likes to be told what to do, and I am the first to admit that. But if you're going to tell me what to do, you better damn well treat me with some respect, because otherwise I'm not going to do what you say. And we didn't, mom carried the dog right back into her office. (As she should've considering all the people in the office bring their dogs to work from time to time)

Anyways, I just hate it that old white men think they have the right to tell me what to do. As if somehow they have my respect for being who they are. However, pretty much all of my experiences with older white men has led me to first assume they're a complete ass, (for instance being asked out by an older white male paraglider, when I was 16 and he was 40, or overhearing a group of older white men (much older) say that young girls definitely want older men for such and such reasons). Anyways, I just can't handle it much longer. And if someone demands my respect and obedience with absolutely no reason he is not going to get it. It's not that I automatically think the worst of people, it's that I only listen to the people who have earned a spot in my life (which should be the case, because no one should listen to just anyone).

Grr.

el trabajo=paper

Sokehs is finally asleep and I am working on my paper on strong women. Thank goodness she's asleep, I had to take her out to run around because today is the first day she hasn't left with Dan in the morning and when he left, she did not appreciate it. Now she's hanging halfway off the couch sleeping.

I have asked 2 people how they define strong women. And there are similar characteristics, and there is especially a root one (one that might influence other ones). But I'm still unsure of how to write my paper. I want it to be good, but I'm starting to feel like it's cheesy and childish. It is important to me, but I'm just not sure I'm finding what I want. I'm not even sure I know what I want in this paper.

Well, I better just go start writing anyways.

Sokehs

My new puppy!






She's pretty energetic. Which I like, I Just hope I can teach her not to chew on my face. She learns really fast, but I'm still just a tad worried. I love her so much though! She's so pretty!

:D

Things that makes me smile when I am so thoroughly and utterly stressed out that I feel like I could die. But there are these things:

English Professors who are exactly what you picture when someone says "English Professor." They say things like, "On next day we'll read Coleridge."
Getting a dog!
Staying up too late looking at Blue Merles
Ayla
Listening to friends' music
Down jackets
Sunshine
Spanish professors that have to be close to 90
Remembering Dad's dogs as puppies when they were the most uncoordinated dogs I've ever seen and would go to jump up the stairs but wouldn't lift their feet enough and just slam straight into the stairs
Seeing a cat fall into water trying to downclimb a tree
Faces people make when they're trying to remember a Spanish word
Tongue-twisting every Spanish word known to man
Babies
About a boy
Rock climbing, really smooth graceful movements
Yoga
Warm hats
Ignoring all the cares and political correctness of the world for just a time so you can breathe, smile, laugh, and remember yourself
My mom, J, B, C, & S.
My brother
SCRUBS!
The feel of my guitar
Perfect brownies
Star Wars, and discussions on Star Wars, and daydreams of Star Wars, (and my Star Wars dictionary I just dug out)
Being a nerd
People who look different
A crash pad
Good grades on tests
Creativitiy
The Wednesday song by The Conchords
Really good _ _ _
Blue christmas lights

Oh the places we'll go....

To Do
Microbiology- 2pg paper & Answer questions
Spanish- 10 sentences, movie summaries, quizes, the list goes on
Philosophy- Read, write 9-12pg paper
English- Read, write 5pg essay
Go to Math Dept. Fed. Work Study
Go to Women's Studies Dept. about class transferring
Clean the house
Study for Spanish Oral Final
Doctor's Appointment
Do some yoga
Rewrite paper proposal
Catch up on Computer labs
Study for Computer Test
Don't forget to eat

beeeeee yourself

It's really amazing to have those moments where you feel like...you. Like you're not trying to be anyone else, not acting or looking like anyone else, not trying to make some sort of impression, you're just you. Most of the time I get these moments right before I fall asleep. I just feel peaceful, and alright, and like me.

I like it.

good girl:bad girl

I have never realized how hard it is to picture an actualized world of equality. Not that things will be fair, but that they're equal. It's hard to picture a world that has moved on from dichotomies, this idea of good:bad light:dark smart:dumb black: white. Everyone thinks of life in dichotomies, "If I'm not this, I'm this." And they construct their "selves" from it. But the truth is, you aren't good or bad, you're somewhere in between. Because sometimes you do really good things, and sometimes you do really bad things. You can't be completely one or the other.

And as much as I believe it, I can't see the world seeing it that way. For some reason we like good:bad friend:enemy lover:hater.

What you do with your money

Pretty much since we can look back at history, it seems to be consistent that people with money don't give as much as people without. People who have nothing are more willing to share what they have.

I heard recently that Brittney Spears makes 750,000 per month, pays 45,000 for her mortgage, 100,000 on parties & alcohol, all per month. And gives 500 a year for donations. Now, I have no idea if it's true. My point is not to pick on Spears it's just an extreme example of a rich person.

Our materialism in America is completely out of hand. My materialism is completely out of hand. If Paul could write a letter to us, I'm sure there would be a long list of things to berate us about, but materialism may be on the top. Mostly because it affects everything else. It affects our relationships and our personalities.

Living in Pohnpei really taught me how much I don't need and how much I can live without. However it didn't take long for me to get back into the old desire for nothing. I just don't want to become the person who has replaced my personality with materialism.

Refreshed, starting.....now

I spent Saturday on the West Facing side of Smith Rock. It was beautiful. It felt so good after a week of finals to be outside, to be doing something besides sitting staring at words on paper. We met 2 pretty awesome people, and Dan may have found another climbing partner for mountaineering, which would be great for him.

Sunday a climber was coming down somewhere on the Southeast side and fell. He was 55 and died when he fell. He wasn't climbing, although he was a climber, he fell coming down a steep trail. I just feel as if I should mention him and keep the people around him in your thoughts.

Ever since my grandmother died a few weeks ago, I just feel the need to remember people. You can't keep the dead alive. But I can keep their thoughts with me. And my good friend Jesselle told me after my grandmother died, that in a way she gets to live on through me and that she's probably very excited to live on through me and rock climb, and surf and love and be active. Which boils down to the fact that I need to remember that it's important to live. To not waste time on things that will never matter. I can only live, I don't have any other choice. And I miss Grams so much, but I can remember her, and that's what matters.


I did not think that bell hooks could possibly teach me anything else new. Well, I figured that by rereading her works I would come to new insights, just like when you reread anything. I am currently reading her "Feminist Theory: From Margin to Center" and I am, as usual, blown out of the water. I just finished a section where she's talking about how saying "I'm a Feminist" implies it's a lifestyle, and people attempt to use it as a lifestyle when they're searching to define themselves. But the truth is, it is not a lifestyle. Feminism is a political movement and that it would be more appropriate to say "I advocate Feminism" as opposed to "I am a Feminist." By saying we advocate feminism, it doesn't negate other political movements or theories. It just says that we advocate the movement to end sexist oppression and systems of dominations (whether it's sex, race, or class). I love it that she specifies all systems of domination. Because they are all interrelated and it is necessary to address them all at the same time, not try to fight one at a time leaving the other to fend for itself.

I was having trouble reading Tong's summary on all the different types of Feminism. None of them seemed to be what was completely right. bell hooks just gives me so much courage and insight every time I turn the page. I feel refreshed and hopeful again.

I am studying for my last midterm. I've gotten close to enough sleep this week, but I've spent so much time studying, doing homework/papers, or thinking about them, that I am exhausted. In 1 hour my last midterm will be done and I have roughly a week of nothing (besides reading and some minor assignments).

Taking 18 credits has drained me. I'm just glad I have Dan, and that 2 of my classes are inspirational as opposed to draining (TA's math 211 and Feminist Philosophy, I suppose Spanish isn't too draining sometimes).

Last night I went to see Gace Lee Boggs. A 92 year old woman who sat in front of an entire audience and spoke to us about her experiences and insights. It was really amazing. It was difficult to hear her much of the time, but it was still amazing. As with most speeches, the Q & A at the end is the best part. Because then the words just flowed out of her naturally and I got so much out of it. One of the things that spoke directly to me was that too many times we're eager to criticize the government and our representatives, and it's not that we should ask a lot of them and critique them; but a more constructive subject would be to talk about the ways in which we can empower ourselves and be empowered to change things. We should be active citizens.

It was a really amazing experience, just like seeing Angela Davis last year. I am provided with so many opportunities, I feel so blessed.

And it was refreshing, even though I'm exhausted. It's just refreshing to sit back and experience compassion through words and the sharing of positive ideas. And to see such a wide range of people come together to learn from someone with so much experience.

zzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzz

Not sleeping at night is making me more and more irritable. And I can't figure out what's keeping me awake. And when I do fall asleep, I wake up later. I'm not drinking caffeine, and I'm actually not overstressed over anything for the first time in awhile. I don't know what it is.

Going green

I have bought my ticket to Australia! And I am very excited, I have roughly 10 days in Australia in March. Carmen said I will definitely get to feed the kangaroos and hold the koalas. All that good ole touristy stuff. I am so excited. Plus she's getting married the day before I leave, so that will be a lot of fun too. And all the guys will be there, which is always entertaining.

This weekend Dan and I went down to the columns. I didn't get out of the car. I hate it that I'm embarrassed that I'm weak. I need to get back into shape. I miss climbing so so much. I can't believe how much I love it. I feel like it's really mine ya know? I'm not doing it for anyone else, and yet I feel self-conscious when I suck. I think it's because rock climbers as a whole are damn judgmental. There are a lot of nice climbers out there, but a lot of incredibly snooty ones as well. Which isn't any different than in paragliding, which are the people I'm used to dealing with even though I don't fly.

It just sucks because in reading the rock climbing magazines I am both inspired and disheartened. People who get hurt and then have to climb with people "below them" are upset that the people they're with aren't climbing to a high level. An article also talked about how climbing is more than just about having fun and that the young climbers of today need to realize that. Funny huh? God forbid we have fun climbing. And just because you're 30 or 40 and climbing is/has become something different to you besides just having fun, does not mean that it's that way for everyone.

Oh well. People will always get up in arms about whatever they're going to get up in arms about. Although, it is slightly entertaining that Michael Reardon wants people to take more risks in climbing (which was definitely his style) and in paragliding the emphasis is on being safe. Hm. Just strikes me as interesting.

On another note. I am going to be healthier. I am determined to be healthier. I am going to go running today. I'm also going to stop drinking soda, (although I don't drink that much to begin with) and stop eating fast food (bleh, I hate it anyways, I don't know why I eat so much of it). I've also started recycling. Now all I have to do is cut down on the amount of TV I watch. My goodness.

Feminist Philosophy

For the first time I understand why people feel the way they do about feminism. I am taking a feminist philosophy class, which means that we're studying all the different types of feminism.

I am a bell hooks feminist. She's the first feminist I've read, and the one that strikes a chord with me. Because feminism is about compassion. It is intertwined with other forms of oppression. And it is a good thing. I do not believe that living in a lesbian separatist society is the answer. I'm not sure how cutting out the oppressor actually SOLVES the problem.

Grams died this morning.

and I said, that man has principles- The Castle

I can't stand on principle. I can't support someone or something because "I should" or because "that's what you do." I can't support my president(or any other person or idea) on principle.

Because principles are not things you do because it's what you're supposed to do. Principles don't stand on their own. I don't stand on principle. Principles stand on me, I uphold them, or they're non-existent.

I'd rather not

I'm not ready. How do you prepare for a loss? A loss you know is coming. I don't know how to let Grams go, to lose her forever. I don't know what to do, or how to remember someone. I don't know how to find that thing, the thing you're supposed to find in someone's life and incorporate it into your own. I don't know what that thing is.

I'm not ready.



Ingrid Michaelson:

The storm is coming but I don't mind.
People are dying, I close my blinds.

All that i know is I'm breathing now.

I want to change the world...instead I sleep.
I want to believe in more than you and me.

But all that I know is I'm breathing.
All i can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All that I know is I'm breathing.
All I can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing.
All we can do is keep breathing now.

a day in from the rain

Things that come in the mail:




I got a wonderful down jacket that is now keeping me incredibly warm. Not to mention, Moosejaw just makes you laugh.

back to school

It's interesting that I will be going back to school, ever year, for the rest of my life. I mean, I may change careers at one point, but as it's looking now-forever.

However, TA'ing my math class is AWESOME. And my Feminist Philosophies class with Lani Roberts is everything I dreamed and more. Now it's off to computers 101 (why they require this I have no idea and it is definitely, DEFINITELY irratating). Then Spanish with what I've heard is the worst Spanish professor on campus. So, we'll see how the week continues.

good dog, bad dog

My frustration of the day is people who think we've learned all of this on our own. All of life, as if it's easy. As if just by living we've got the answers. As if there's aren't people and a guiding spirit that help us on our way. By thinking that life is easy (not that anyone thinks THEIR OWN life is easy) we create a polarism between people who know how to make "good" decisions that will "positively" effect their lives; and people who make "bad" decisions and are in a constant struggle.

Because the truth is, just because I make the "good" decisions, and my friend makes the "bad" decisions, we are no different. It's just so easy to group people into what many religious people call "saved and unsaved." In religion the focus is so much on what God did for us and that we are forgiven, that we forget we're sinners. Because I've accepted an amazing gift, does not make me better. I am the same, I struggle in the same way, whether I make good or bad decisions. I just have a few more reassurances than others.

I just can't keep doing this. I can't keep making my decisions based on what the general public world deems good or bad. For way way too long I've let what others deem right or wrong dictate what I do. That isn't fair to them or me.

And I know I may lose people. Probably on both sides of the line. Mainly because we're all so damn opinionated we can't take a step back. And I honestly believe I have been given a truth and it would be wrong for me to not live it.

I've just been really convicted of some things lately. Most of the things I was raised to look at as wrong, as much as I can see the mentality and the idea of promoting it as wrong; they're not wrong. It's like we've taken the things that are most obvious as wrong and only looked at those. And the things like judging or gossiping or being angry or indifferent or materialistic, that are harder to change, that take more work or we have more to benefit from it like materialism. We ignore all of those. I am so materialistic and so angry. And being both of those things has really led me to indifference. I rarely feel my heart jump, or like I'm full, or intense. And my anger would be rage if I wasn't so indifferent. I think I would prefer the rage. I might actually get something done. I might actually stand up and confront people. It wouldn't be compassionately like I would like, but at least I would be feeling something, and at least I wouldn't be walking around, "Yes Sir, No sir, anything you'd like sir."

And all these words don't mean anything if I don't put in the work. I don't even know how to start. But if I don't start, and work, and suffer and get mad over it all, then I am everyone else. And I can't be that. I can't be that and be ok.

oh late nights how I loathe thee

Drinking green tea and bouncing tracks.

A little picker-upper

I talked myself into going to the mall the other day. Picked up some of American Eagle's underwear.

When I got home I noticed the lady had wrapped my undies in pretty paper. And went I undid the paper I had a cute little surprise.



It just made my day! It's filled with their potpurri or something, which ya know makes my house smell like American Eagle. Not sure how I feel about that yet. But now I have a cute little bird!

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